.............well when I say once upon a time I actually mean last Tuesday, there was man who was so important he had his name written on his office door. The nameplate, a rich burgundy colour, was engraved with the words "George T. Saggerson BA(Hons)" in beautiful gold-leaf lettering. For all of George's status however he felt himself disliked by his colleagues. This animosity was, to a large extent, mutual for he had quite rightly concluded that they were all idiots. When I use the word " all " I include in that statement his bosses for they had attained their position not through aptitude or hard work but rather by years of grovelling to those at head office.To George these elite staff were underserving of their position; he hated their condescending cliques, their conversational trivia but above all he hated their confidence which he rightly felt was based on what he described as "refined ignorance." He winced at their grammatical incompetence, their lack of general knowledge, their appalling taste in music, their artistic failings and their over reliance on technology, the exception of course was Susan from "Sales." Susan was none of these things -her radiant beauty was a balm to George's tortured soul and a cultural oasis in a cesspit of jumped-up ignorance.
For months now George had to suffer and correct the spelling mistakes of his secretary Julia until finally he decided that the current spellchecker on the firm's network was not fit for purpose and something needed to be done. With a little help from Google and the outlay of just a few pounds of his own personal money he was able to download what he was assured was a non-American spellchecker.
On Tuesday morning George arrived at the office unaware of the fact that his purchase was to prove even more effective than he anticipated.
" Good morning Julia "
"Good morning Mr. Saggerson there is a guy to see you he does not have an appointment", replied Julia.
"Julia it's not guys or dudes we use the word "gentleman", remember? Does that not sound slightly familiar ?"
" Yes Mr. Saggerson , sorry Mr Saggerson."
"So what's his name Julia ?"
" Whose name ? Oh you mean the guy to see you, his name is Mr. Bedstraw" , answered Julia and then added "I think."
George took a cup of coffee from the machine and headed in the direction of his office. A man in a rather curious checked tweed suit sat on the chair outside, in his hand he played with a yoyo. George was a little taken aback by both the man's appearance and his odd choice of behaviour.
"Mr. Bedstraw ?" enquired George.
"Why yes, yes indeed now let me guess you are probably George T. Saggerson if I am not mistaken."
Again George was a little flustered by man's manner but ushered him into the office and was surprised the man continued with a variety of tricks with the yoyo. The man sat and stared at George without saying a word until eventually George was forced to start the conversation.
" Well Mr. Bedstraw what can I do for you?" Mr. Bedstraw looked slightly puzzled.
" What do you mean George you sent for me, remember, its all paid for?"
George was now convinced the man was slightly deranged or perhaps this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by his more juvenile colleges. However the man continued and, with a flourish, he produced a sheet of paper from his jacket pocket and handed it to George. George scrutinised the printout and then things became a little clearer.
" You see," said Mr Bedstraw " you ordered a spellchecker and paid for it by PayPal, its all valid."
"Ahh yes, I see now, " said George "I was expecting just a download not someone arriving here in person to install it." Mr. Bedstraw raised his eyebrows and looked a little puzzled before he spoke again.
" Well at least that is sorted," he said " now George tell me about these spells you want checking."
George cleared his throat and looked his visitor in the eye before he spoke.
"You mean spelling ? It's the staff they seem over reliant on this American spellchecker we have ,personally I blame it on education and a lack of ......."
"Whoah just hold on a second George," interrupted Mr. Bedstraw " you ordered a spellchecker it's in the contract. I am here to check your spells not the company's spelling."
"My spells?" repeated George.
" Yes spells," said the visitor " you know frogs into princes, pumpkins into coaches you must have heard of that sort stuff."
" Yes of course I have heard of that sort of stuff but that's all fairy tales," answered George.
" There George, I knew you would have heard of it, easy wasn't it?" Mr Bedstraw smiled rolled the string around his yoyo and placed it in his jacket pocket.
" Now look Mr. Bedstraw or what ever your real name is I am not the sort of person to be as easily duped as that, I have got the development report to finish before four thirty today so if it's all the same to you I would like to finish this crazy interview now if you don't mind." Mr. Bedstraw reached into his inside jacket pocket and from within somehow produced a cup of tea on a saucer which he sipped then looked at George and grimaced .
"Ughh no sugar, have you any sugar George ?" George was somewhat taken aback to the surreal manifestation of the tea but tried to maintain a cautious sceptical approach.
"Suppose you magic spell some sugar Mr. Bedstraw after all that's what you are here for," said George sarcastically.
"But I am here to fix your spells George that's what the contract says, unless of course you would like me to conjure up some sugar with a sweet spell. Would you like that George ? It seems like a waste of a spell to me."
" Yes oh for God sake just do it. I do have that report to write."
" Ok if you are sure." There was a crackling sound and a bowl of sugar appeared on George's desk. Mr Bedstraw took a spoonful and put it in his tea and looked quizzically across at George as if awaiting further instructions. George , for his part looked dumbfounded and a shadow of doubt crossed his mind. Could it be really true? Surely not.
" That's some trick, said George.
" Spell," corrected Mr. Bedstraw " spell,anything else you wanted me to do ?"
" Well I really would like to have this report finished, if its all the same to you, " replied George.
" Simple, " replied Mr. Bedstraw and in a flash a weighty volume of neatly bound papers appeared on the desk which he handed to George. George flipped through the document incredibly it seemed all there development assessment , diagrams, spreadsheets the lot. He glanced up in bewilderment and again Mr. Bedstraw had that quizzical look on his face.
" My God Bedstraw I don't know how you do that but it's fantastic beyond belief I just don't know how to thank you."
" Think nothing of it George it's all part of the service, you paid for it remember ? Now any thing else I can do for you ?
" Well ," said George thoughtfully "there is one thing."
The next day it was Susan from Sales that was to have that special extraordinary day. For some strange reason Susan discovered that she now found George T. Saggerson very attractive. It was as mysterious as it was inexplicable and if that wasn't enough she also discovered she somehow had a yoyo in her handbag.
Helvetica Light is an easy-to-read font, with tall and narrow letters, that works well on almost every site.
........not so very long ago there lived two fairies who were brother and sister. Now I don't know if you have a brother or sister but if you do you will know that sometimes they can be very annoying but of course there are times when they look after you and let you play with them. Those are the best times. Well really I have got into my story and I realise you probably want to know the names of these two fairies. Well they were called Cheese and Onion, no I am only kidding Cheese and Onion is the name of the story not the fairies. The fairies names were Basil and Angelica and on this particular day their Mum Mrs. Mayweed was having a very stressful morning.
You see these fairies shared their house at 7, Northfield Crescent with a human family but of course these people did not know the fairies lived there for fairies like to keep where they live secret just in case they get eaten by the cat!
...............................To Be Continued