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Lady of Shalott newspaper

It has been confirmed that the body found at Warkworth in the early hours of Thursday morning is that of the missing heiress " The Lady Of Shalott."

  Lady Shalott first rose to fame as the vocalist in the folk band "The Weavers" before striking out on a solo career. It was now almost 4 years ago since her disappearance . No ransom note was ever received and the fairy police have been baffled as to her whereabouts until now. Detective Cluedo of the flying squad today confirmed a body had been found in a boat on the River Coquet close to Warkworth Castle. He also confirmed that no marks were on the body so the cause of death, is as yet, unknown. Chillingly however the name " Ladye Of Shalott" was written on the prow of the boat.

Lady Shalott has always had a beautiful, distinctive singing voice and a number of witnesses have come forward to say, that over the years, they have heard her singing in the Warkworth area. Until now these claims have been dismissed as being too fanciful but now the fairy police are having to follow up these leads with a bit more conviction. With no obvious motive and lack of real evidence the police face a daunting uphill task unless these witnesses can shed light on  the course of events leading up to her death. Police are also anxious that the newly married couple who contacted them earlier should get back in touch. Anyone else who may have any relevant information on the situation is asked to contact Detective Cluedo at : Fairy Warkworth 774

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 The fairy police (The Flying Squad) confirmed that the leading Irish consulting detective Shamrock Holmes has been brought in the help solve the local  "body in the boat" case. Already Mr. Holmes has shown that the name  written on the prow of the boat was in fact written by Lady Shalott herself as, paint retrieved from under her fingernails, matches that on the boat itself. Mr Holmes was also quick to demonstrate that it is likely that the body was not placed in the boat at Warkworth castle but the boat containing the body had  come from further upstream in the river.

 Mr Holmes by interviewing various locals who had heard the singing was able to narrow the search area to an area about a mile upstream.


 The case also took a disturbing twist when the results of the autopsy revealed that the cause of death was "frozen blood". As the death was recent and the weather over the past week has been relatively warm it is obvious a magic spell had been evoked to cause this slow and painful death.  Police now have to consider the possibility that some fairy with a grudge carried out the murder or that some political extremists were somehow involved. Search teams are now combing the area in the hope of finding the site of the murder itself. It is also believed that the newly married couple  who the police appealed for to come forward have recently been in touch again.


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 In a brilliant turn of events Shamrock Holmes was able to pinpoint the location of exactly where Lady Shalott had been imprisoned for probably the last four years. On the north side of the River Coquet about a mile upstream from the castle a secret prison has been discovered. The structure is carefully hidden from view by a large yew tree that obscures its presence from anyone on the other bank. The prison itself is hewn from solid rock and must have been a mammoth undertaking.

Inside the prison itself was  complete disarray. The contents revealed a prolonged occupation but a somewhat hurried departure.

I understand that part of the contents of one of the rooms is a broken loom with a partially completed tapestry on it.

 The  most disturbing thing of all however was  a large broken mirror. This immediately suggests that the Otäckt, in theory, could have penetrated the realm through this portal. The mirror gap also raises the possibility of a time slip as it is unclear just how old the breakage is.

  Certainly  the Otäckt would be capable of evoking a blood freezing spell but again the motive for this is a little unclear.

Mr. Holmes, has stated that there is a limit as to how much of this case can be deduced and how much will always remain as pure speculation. Meanwhile the family of Lady Shalott have asked the public to respect their privacy at this difficult time in their lives.

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"She Has A Lovely Face"

   It is important in cases like this not to get too engrossed in the sensationalism of the case and in  doing so, overlook the tragic drama that has taken place. One of the first people to discover the body of Lady Shalott was an American tourist called Lance E. Lott, he  simply said " She has a lovely face." 

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 It has been almost a year since the initial proposal for a  fairy tourist attraction should be built on the former site of the old abandoned cheese mine at the edge of the village. The idea behind the project was  to utilize and extend  a discarded hamster wheel and turn it into a tourist ride. The attraction is to be named "The Warkworth Eye" and work was due to start immediately so it would be completed before the Midwinter Festival.

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 It seemed that no sooner had the plans been drawn up that some members of the community objected to the project on the grounds that it would spoil the rural integrity of the village. Opinion on the matter has certainly become polarised and it is now up to the local fairy council to decide if the project is to go ahead.

  So it may well be that the "Warkworth Aye" becomes the " Warkworth No"

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procrastinate newspaper
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 It seems only a few months ago since the formation of the the local fairy branch of the Procrastination Society. It has recently  been announced however that the doors are to close for the last time this Tuesday. The former chairman of the society has finally issued the following statement.

 "It is with regret that I formally announce the closure of our Procrastination  Society.  Although a lot of people initially expressed an  interest in joining the society it seems that very few people actually got around to doing so."

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